18

I’ve spent the amount of time it takes to reach the precipice of young adulthood without my mom. It’s hard to believe that today marks 18 years since she died. I remember intercepting the 3:30 AM phone call from the hospital and staying on the line as they told my dad that there had been a change in his wife’s condition. I knew exactly what that meant and, looking back, had been preparing for that moment nearly all my life. I raced up two flights of stairs from my basement bedroom to convince my dad to let me go to the hospital with him to no avail. June 18th fell on Father’s Day that year. It seems fitting that this was her final “gift” to him, sarcastic asshole that she was.

I often wonder what it would have been like to have a relationship with my mom, adult-to-adult. Would we have gotten along? Would she be turning liberal in her old age the way my dad has? How would she react to my devotion to the Spurs instead of her beloved Pistons? Would she like Colby? What kind of grandma would she have been to Ramona?

This last question is the one that opens the door to so many others I’ve held in my heart. I hate that she missed my wedding. I wish she could have seen me get my PhD (and maybe I would have, you know, actually attended my hooding ceremony). But the thing that saddens me most is how she missed out on her granddaughter. Ramona is so extra and frustrating and amazing. She’s the human manifestation of intensity. I think they would have gotten along quite well.

It’s knowing that I’ll never see them together, which has led us back home: we’re moving back to Austin. My dial is always stuck at 11. I struggle with happy medium. I work an unhealthy amount because I don’t know how not to and even I, disdainer of introspection, recognize that something needs to change. We’re moving back to Austin so Ramona can grow up with our friends’ kids. We’re moving back to Austin so I can learn how to balance work and life. We’re moving back to Austin so that I’ll have a life that lasts longer than 48 short years and Ramona doesn’t have to ask these same unanswerable questions.

We’re moving back to Austin at the end of this month. I’m excited for friends and tacos and central air conditioning. I’m looking forward to owning a home again and cooking in a kitchen that is mine. I am ready.